It was a few days before Christmas and I couldn’t wait to give you your gift:
A DnD manual—the last one in the store, price not to be disclosed ever.
I packaged it in bubble wrap along with your second favorite dark chocolate—
You liked to remind me I was your first—then put it in a large gift bag.
On the tag, I wrote the nickname I’d given you, with a smiley face.
When we exchanged gifts, I watched your face light up like candlelit dinners
The glow of your face more brilliant than the Star Trek episode playing before us.
I watched you appreciate me for the first time
A thank you on your lips as you kissed me.
You gave me mine, wrapped carelessly,
Like the halfhearted I love yous you’d give me as I left the apartment parking lot.
I opened it to reveal thick fabric, blacker than midnight and folded neatly.
I smiled on the outside and died on the inside. Died.
You gave me pants. Not some ordinary, everyday pants.
At that moment, I recalled telling you about gothic-themed clothing I could never afford
And how angry you were about it because you felt
I would be so much more lovable in gothicwear.
So Christmas gave you the opportunity to do it for me (and for you).
Red and black oversized pants I could drown in—
I wanted to drown in it.
You knew so little about me.
The pants were decorated with chains and large pockets;
You urged me to put it on and I did, trying not to scream as I held the weight of your disappointment
The reminder that I would never just be enough.
Even for special holidays, trying to fix me was a hobby.
You told me once fixing things was an obsession, and this is the day I believed that.
I stripped out of my normal clothes and tried the pants on,
Swimming in seas of red, black, chain, and inner rage.
Both of us could fit in a pantleg, to which you responded it just needed a belt.
I’m glad you didn’t get that belt, darling,
Or I would’ve strangled you with it as you slept.
I refused to ruin the moment like any other time. Besides, you enjoyed my silence when you got this way.
You were so proud of yourself.
You had made progress.
Isioma West 